So i was trying to stay awake, and i decided to look up my top four places to see on travel cuts to see how much tickets would cost. If I booked today (for the summer) Greece was the least followed by Egypt, followed by Peru followed by Iceland. I was a bit surprised by iceland, i thought it wouldn't be as popular and therefore not as expensive, but i guess it's the opposite, since it's not as popular the flights aren't as competetive. They are all in the same price range though... I REALLY want to go see the world!
what to do.... so for awhile now ive been making a bunch of plans of what to do if i dont get into grad school, therefore i wont be too disappointed if it doesn't work out. Most of them involve more school, even just a class or two, along with volunteering to open up a few more options... then there's travel. To just take off with some money and my digital camera, and maybe a good friend, and start getting rid of some of those pins marking places i am dying to see. Maybe it would open up my eyes, help me figure out what i want to do, or maybe not, either way it would be amazing. A few of us are talking about greece this summer. You have NO idea how much I want to do it. I have my practical side saying "you can't afford it" "what if you have to go to school?" (some grad schools want you to start in the summer) "what if im not done my thesis in time" but I'm starting not to care about all that. I can afford it, it just means if i do get into grad school money might be tight for that. And if my thesis isn't done, I'll just take a break and finish it when i get back, and if they aske me to come in the summer, I'll say i'll come as soon as I get home. Really the only thing is I'm scared of what my parents would say... but they have raised me to have travel as a priority in my life, so really they can't say much! haha! I mean it's greece, I've been wanting to go there for YEARS!!!! anyway, I don't know, I just needed to express how much i want to just pick up and go somewhere right now.
Mad World I have recently become addicted to the song "mad world" (the version by Gary Jules) It makes me feel so sad, but it doesn't really matter. Even if I'm feeling sad it is really great to feel something that strongly, and for something as simple as a song to be able to do that, it's always amazed me.... maybe that's what i should study? I have too many interests these days
Bridge To Terabithia So, I just found out that my FAVOURITE book as a child (and also possibly the saddest book I've ever read) is being turned into a movie, AND the relase date the the say before my birthday! Anyway, I am pretty excited, and scared at the same time (you never know what will happen when the make a movie out of an amazing book) bur LOTR, Harry potter and Chronicles of Narnia have all been good, so I can hope for the same! So excited, I will cry for ages when i see it!
10pgs down, 5 to go So I have this big essay due Friday, and therefore I end up killin time that I don't have by doing stupid things online! My will power is non existent! Anyway, I put my music on random and started working on this essay, I have written very little all day! I am lame! Anyway, the point was that all the sudden Blink 182 came on, and I just started laughing! I remember driving up to Raith where my dad had a research camp with a couple friends (you know who you are ;)and listening to the CD over and over, not the whole CD, just a couple songs, and Reena, since I am hoping you might remember that (im not sure how my mom didn't kill us on that drive) I have this to say to you.... "Fuck this place! I lost the war, I hate you all! Your mom's a whore! Where's my dog? 'cuz Girls are such a DRAG!"
lol! and even though i was just quoting the lyrics, i still feel bad, i love your mom!!!! she is not a whore!
GRE.....done and DONE! well, I did it. I wrote my GRE, it wasn't so bad! LOL! Exactly 12 hours ago I was writing an essay on my opinion on how people choose their careers in today's society. I kicked ass at the math section, not as good as a math major would of course, but far better than the average person in my program. I feel really good about my essays too. The verbal section, not so great. Who needs a huge vocabluary anyway? I always thought my Dad and sister sounded so pompus and arrogant when they would jabber on using the biggest words they could think of. I guess I should have paid more attention. But instead I told myself I would never be like that, there was no need to talk like that, act like that, etc. I got a score which is the average of people in my program. I'm not sure what that means to graduate schools, but I prefer to think that means I have a fighting chance. The hardest part was the conscent form! lol! I had to copy out a paragraph and then sign, but i couldn't print the paragraph, I had to write it! I couldn't even remember how to write a "b" LOL!!!
I feel kind of stupid for being so worried about a test. Other people I know have much bigger problems, people I don't know (and will probably never meet) have problems i can't even wrap my head around. Even I have problems bigger than a test, but I choose to focus on the test and the educational woes so I don't have to deal with the "real" stuff. ... on the positive side, I ate a Perkins, and it was great...
Tomorrow I leave for duluth to write my GRE. I did a sample test and my scores were nothing amazing, but they were enough to give me hope :) Enough to allow for my other things (grades, research potential, etc) to make up for it. "Enough" is fine with me, it's all I can hope for right now. I had night class tonight, i needed to use the phone and I remembered that there is a phone in every classroom, so, at 9:40 I went into an empty classroom, the biggest one in the ATAc actually, and I went up behind the lecture areea to use the phone. I picked it up and was about to dial, and then I looked around. I felt a huge grin show up on my face as I looked at all the empty seats, I couldn't help it. I imagined myself standing there, teaching something important to all those seats, it made me smile :)
In a few days I write the most important exam of my schoolinig so far. I'm absolutely terrified. I keep telling myself if I don't do well I can re-write in december, or if that doesn't work, i just wait another year for grad school and re-write then, but I don't know, I'm so scared. I don't want to wait another year, I want to be moving on. The worst part of all this, the exam is useless! They have shown that it is no better at predicting your success than your regular marks, infact it's worse! It makes much more sense to look at school marks and the rest of it. I think this exam is the only thing holding me back, I think if I didn't have to write it I would have a good fighting chance at grad school, but if I happen to bomb the test then I've got nothing. I have strep throat, I have to go to duluth to write it, I can't even have the pleasure of sleeping in my own bed before the stressful morning. On another note I finally changes my picture on this LJ thing. This is my absolute favourite picture of myself, I don't think I look that great in it or anything like that, I just love to see myself surrounded by nature. One thing I didn't expect was how trapped and isolated I would feel living in the city. That's odd I guess, the main reason i moved into town was because it was supposed to be "easier" - easier to get around, to get to schoo, work, etc. And it is...but it's so hard to get away. Tonight i had a desire to go and lay down outside and look at the stars, you juct can't do that in the city, not in the same way anyway. And I feel safe in the country, it's quiet and peaceful, and you have your own space. I just miss it, I guess thats the most common thing I write about these days, sorry, haha Anyway, back to studying for that exam, if i can, even studying makes me so stressed i could cry..it will be over soon :)
Now what am I supposed to do for 8 months? So.... I read the 6th Harry Potter book in one day. I don't think I've ever done that before. Also, I started reading it monday morning, monday at 7:00pm I had an exam, but I couldn't help myself, so it was like "read a chapter, study a section, read a chapter, study, etc". The reason I love the books so much is for the relationships between the characters, mostly Ron and Hermione, and there were so many delicious moments in this book that I just couldn't stop reading because you never knew when there would be a shy look, or someone getting jealous, or an accidental touch, etc. I was actually getting annoyed whenever the "real" storyline came up, i mean i was interested in it and everything, but i knew there was no hope for one of those moments, so i would read through it so fast. Anyway, so now i am a little disappointed because i have months to wait for the next one, and i know that it will be the last one, but i can hopeful that since it is the last book, ron and hermione won't disappoint. I do have one complaint, i guess it might give something away, but im not being very detailed, so i dont think it really does, but anyway, i am just SO sick of this stupid "i can't be with you, its for your own protection" crap that always shows up in these heroic stories. I mean do people honestly think that no one will figure out that you were together and therefore your "enemy" knows that person means a lot to you, even if you're not together now, so i mean just stick with it and that way you can keep a eye on each other and have as much time together as possible. Honestly! lol! But I can't help it, it makes me so mad that so much of the series is so good and then she throws in that tired old cleche or whatever you want to call it, that has been used over and over again and was never very good to begin with. Anyway, i am just rambling, because when i finish a book that i was enjoying so much i always have this period where i feel lost, like i have nothing to do, (even though i have a ton of school work waiting for me) so i just thought i'd kill some time talking about it! lol. I guess thats it,
So, like many others, I have become a youtube addict - mostly because of musical montages - i am a HUGE suck for ANYTHING put to music! lol! so I found this and it was just too enjoyable to keep to myself
So in a couple hours I'll be leaving for southern ontario! I am excited, First we're going to Hamilton/Burlington to visit Pauls sister, we were going to go to marine land but now it sounds like that won't happen. then we are going to niagra falls for my cousins wedding. It will be exciting to see my family again. We never really see wach other all together, but now it seems we're going to get sick of each other. Everyone came here for my sisters wedding last year, now this year we are going for my cousins, and next year my other cousin is getting married. 3 years in a row! I dont think we've ever all been together that often! Anyway, I suppose thats about it, I have to finish packing and then go to the dreaded airport which has become one of my lease favourite places since last summer. and since my mom is taking us we have to go extra early, but i guess it's better to be early than late.
So this weekend was so much fun. Friday night I went to see Stephen Lewis, I guess that evening wasn't really "fun" but it was a good night, encouraging and inspirational, its amazing to see how much one person can really do. It was also sad to hear how much is really going wrong, and how many drugs and programs already exist, if only they could get to where they need them. I was amazed to hear how close we aree to discovering new methods to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS, I had no idea things were progressing so much. I think thats something that needs to get out there in the public, so many people think nothing will ever happen, they'll never be able to "cure" AIDS, where is all the money going, what is it doing, etc. But maybe if they knew how many things have been invented and how close we are to other things they would feel better about giving to research funding. Then on Saturday I spent the day with Paul's family, they had cousins in from out of town and we took them to the canyons, the marina, and so many places in and around thunder bay, it was great to hear from someone outside of thunder bay, eve outside of canada, talk about how beautiful thunder bay is, the trees, lakes, etc. One thing I am really sick of hearing is "i cant wait to get out of this town" "its such an ugly city" etc etc etc. Maybe the city isn't really beautiful, but it's not ugly thats for sure, and go for maybe a 10-15 minute drive and you will see some of the most beautiful nature. It's a rare thing. Then we went to the hockey game, which i wasn't sure how great it would be, but there was so much, a goal in the last 18seconds to tie the game! and a hattrick! no one threw their hats though, i was so dissappointed! but it was a great time and i had a lot of fun. I really do love this city
So for awhile now I have been having the "what were you thinking" problem. I am so oerwhelmed with school and I'm not even sure if I like it any more. I don't know if I want to go on to grad school when i am hating this year so much and grad school will be a lot like this. I have been thinking how i want a job that i can leave at the office. I want to be able to read a book just for fun, or watch movies, or go play outside and spend time with my kide (if/when i have them) I don't want to be working ALL the time, or feeling guilty about not working enough or doing enough research etc. And then i see this
Perhaps psychology majors should seek professional help. After all, why would they choose a field in which the average starting salary is only $30,369 a year? It's the LOWEST starting pay of any field, according to the National Association of Colleges and Employers, which ranks money-making majors every quarter.
obviously money isn't eveything, but it's not doing anything to keep my spirits up about all of this. I just feel like so much time has been wasted. I just wish that somehow i could just realize what i want to do with my life instead of always second guessing everything.
WHAT THE HELL?!?! I started looking for masters/phd supervisors maybe last september, and was emailing them by december, I am looking to get a suoervisor for September 2007, that means I started looking at least 2 years early. nearly EVERY professor I am interested in is not accepting students in 07. I just found someone who seemes EXCELENT except that she is not at one of my fav universities (which is why i only found her now) and big surprise, shes not accpeting students. I'm starting to wonder if I should even bother writing my GRE's since no one seems available anyway. Damn double cohort
Why can't I help them I'm feeling very useless/selfish today. My parents aren't getting along again. My dad acts like a jerk, and then complains that my mom is upset all the time and doesn't realize that it might be from being called an idiot all day long, or not being able to plan anything because he won't let her know any of his plans. He seems to thinik if you can't read his mind than you don't deserve to know. Then my mom is rightfully upset, and I can't seem to cheer her up. Then we end up getting on each others nerves, which only makes things worse. Sometimes we're too similar for our own good. She wants me to visit more often I think, but I hate being out there when they are fighting. I need to be there for her more, today she wants to go out to a fair type thing, and big surprise, it sounds like Dad won't be going. I had been planning on going, but I am not feeling great, and I was looking forward to spending some time with Paul getting errands run in town etc. I hate this feeling. I need to be there for both of them, but nothing ever seems to get better. I am so scared for my mom, things just keep getting worse, and she keeps feeling worse and worse about herself. My dad's not a bad person. He's really sweet and a good dad, but I just don't know if he gets it. He hates it if I say anything even slightly negative about him. I don't know if he realizes thats how he makes mom feel. It just seems like every time I think things are getting better for them, things just get worse. It's a big circle. My mom feels bad, my dad gets frustrated that shes not happy and deals with it in the worst porrible way, and my mom ends up feeling worse. I should have just gone to Duluth with my mom this weekend, have a girls adventure. My boyfriend bailed on me this weekend for his family, so i should have done the same. Mom and I should have taken advantage of it and had a good time without them. I just feel so overwhelmed.
Anyway, I called my mom back and told her I'd come out and spend some time with her. I don't know if I'll go with Paul or not. I know he'll hate it, but he won't even be getting here until it's time to leave so if we want to spend time together I guess that's what we'll do. It's not what I wanted to do today, but I think I need to put mom before what I want. After all, I'm not doing what I really wanted to do thi weekend anyway, so what does it matter.
How do you say goodbye? So today I said goodbye to one of my very best friends since Grade 3. She's moving to alberta, and from there on to BC if everything goes according to plan. I didn't know what to do. I started drying as I walked to my apartment when she dropped me off. Last night we all went out to hang out and dance, and today me and her went dress shopping, which turned into underwear/bra shopping. I have so much fun with her, i mean, no matter what we have fun. Elaina is so unique. She won't hold a grudge and hate you forever for a stupid mistake. She laughs at everything, sure she has her problems like all of us, but she loves life, goes after what she wants, and has fun all the time. I need that kind of an influence.
The five of us Whitefish girls have known each other for 16 years and been friends for nearly all of it. I think Elaina is a big part of why. With her parties and houseboat and crazy personality we've all been able to keep in touch, go back to the place where we have so many insane memories, and always create new ones. It won't be the same without her. It still hasn't really hit me, I know I'm going to forget shes gone and want to hang out. We're already making plans for when she comes back at christmas. It's only 5 months away, but that is a LONG time. I guess it's just because she's the first of the whitefish to leave. We're all going to be taking off and leaving each other, but now it's actually happening. tomorrow morning after 7am there will only be 4 of us left in thunder bay.
The December will be amazing. I am going to set an early deadline for all of my grad school stuff so that I won't have to do much work during the break. We'll have Elaina, Heather and Megan all back. We're going to have a BLAST. NO ONE go away in december or you will be punished! lol!
I'm just not ready for this to happen. I don't want to grow up. Lets all go back and catch frogs and swim in the river and play animal club and just be kids again. I finally realize that I have a real home here, and people start to leave.
:(
Current Mood: crushed Current Music:Under The Sea! Go Little Mermaid!
There's No Place Like Home I have lived in three different provinces, traveled almost all of canada, been to eurpoe, africa, australia. I am not bragging, but because of this I always felt like I was a free spirit, like I didn't really have a home. I never felt a need to stay in one place because thats never what my family has done. I figured i could go anywhere and never REALLY miss where i used to be the same way someone else would. I've realized thats not true. I have a home here. In the little valley of Blaikie road near hymers. Every time I come out here things change. I feel so different. I climbed my tree yesterday and went exploring along the whitefish river. I looked at rocks and went swimming. I told my boyfriend all about Bob the tire, and the planet rocks, and the "island" that lisa ran away to one year, and i attempted to climb the cliff behind my house but got scared of a mudslide and stopped at the same spot i always stop. I took my dog for a walk down the road and looked at animal tracks. I don't belong in the city. I loose myself there. As anyone can tell from my last post I have been feeling totally lost. Nothing seems right. Out here it all starts to make sense again. I still worry and question things, but I feel safe. I feel closer to the real me.
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noregrets84's journal
crushed